The Buttonface Blues

How I Found Horror Part 2

Missed Part 1? Read How I Found Horror Part 1

Christopher Lee as Dracula

Christopher Lee as Dracula

Through one’s teen years there is a lot of confusion, and through my drug addicted twenties, I can’t say that the confusion didn’t subside all that much. But, through those years with my fucked up damaged punk friends I always had horror. And there was plenty of horror to be had with rock and punk bands. misfits, Bauhaus, Ministry, NIN, Goblin, blah blah blah.My issue at the time was the scene of horror and dark fantasy had split. I realize this sounds ridiculous, but

My issue at the time was the scene of horror and dark fantasy had split. I realize this sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. My world of fantasy horror split into two scenes. Punk rockers and comic book nerds. I realize that in larger towns things are different but, in my small town, these two scenes were a world apart. For a long time the darker side won me over, but in the end, I feel more like a comic book nerd.

So after the dust of coming of age settled I was left with a love of dark sorry telling. Is it the result of damaged thoughts and a neglected future? Probably. But, it is where I have always felt at home.

Over the years I have written several scripts and comic books pertaining to the genre. Life has constantly got the better of me, or my own decisions, and I have ended up with very little to show. Iin fact, today I am a web developer. this career choice was purely accidental… however, it is the job that I have loved most in my life.

My experience computer technology started with my love of art, music and movies. My mind was swelling and overwhelmed with ideas and concepts for stories and songs but, I couldn’t see any way to get any of them done. As was explained earlier in the story, due to my love of horror I ended up in the punk scene. To me the punk scene always represented more of a do-it-yourself attitude and less of the f*** the world up attitude. This let me look at my own dreams and aspirations with a do it yourself attitude. I was left with the attitude that if you wanted to get anything done you could only do it yourself and nobody was going to help you. I realize this is probably not a healthy attitude to have, but I did have it.

Today I am left with the repercussions of that attitude… but, I am also left with some of the resilience of it. The hard part is that sometimes I can’t tell which aspects of that are hurting me and which aspects of that are helping me.

When it comes to making horror, is a do it yourself attitude is necessary? To a degree, probably. Unless you’re the only one in it, you’re going to need some help. The hardest decision factor comes from this question. Does that help come from money or friends? I have about three friends I have about two money. This leaves me this situation where all I have is time… and I have about one of that.

My father always told me that I suffered from mental condition that he referred to as “paralysis through analysis”. I think this is a condition that many intelligent people suffer with. Intelligence makes it all the more likely that one will ponder the futility of existence.

But, this is the beauty of horror and dark fantasy. They have the attitude that something exists beyond what we see in our day-to-day world. They have the attitude to fight to the bitter end in your not entirely sure why. So, while most people view horror as a morbid and negative fascination, I do it is an inspiration to my imagination and a place to focus my dreams.

Another advantage of horror and dark fantasy as being my true passion is that my secondary and tertiary passions are music and art. Horror encompasses those things. My musical aspirations are industrial, mod rock, dark techno, punk and orchestrations… all of which are perfectly fit to the horror and dark fantasy genres. Similarly, my art and comic book love also lives in the telling and the imagery of stories of the same type.

Ultimately the downfall of horror and dark fantasy as a future goal is the downfall of any creative pursuit. That is massive time and monetary investment for a shot in the dark at paying the rent, much less making it big in this world. At least for me, making the red may be a part of it, making it big in this world is not.

Seems like a viable plan doesn’t it?

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